Family Secrets (1917): Wong

Contributed by Rebecca Lynn Fowler Wong

There were about 12-15 of us that day eating together in the restaurant in Hung Hom at the ‘Hero’s Banquet’. My father in law (whom we referred to as YehYeh or ‘Grandfather on father’s side’) had passed away and after the funeral we gathered together in a final act of comfort and remembrance to honor a life well lived. Everyone had good things to say but the most outspoken were his little sisters, #2 Aunt and #5 Aunt. At that lunch on that day we all learned things about Yeh Yeh that most of us had never known. Some were magical things but many were tragic things.

I had only seen these aunties a few times in my life but they were always kindly and a little curious towards me, the foreigner from America. It was heartbreaking to see earlier that day, their raw emotions as their grief spilled out during the long walk down the aisle to bow before their GaGa and pay their last respects. He had been their ‘safe place’ when they were young and throughout their lives, he’d been their brave and strong hero. Auntie # 5 was the most detailed with the stories most of us at that table had never heard.

Born in Hong Kong on May 28, 1917, Wong Kam Shu was a big brother to several little adoring sisters and a younger brother. We all knew him as a stoic, quiet and dignified man but on this day after the funeral we learned about the unspoken tragedies of his earlier life, which could very easily have broken him. These tragedies took place in one fell swoop during the period of about one and a half years.

As we sat there with our eyes wide open, we discovered that Yeh Yeh had been the 2^nd oldest son in the family, not the first. The few people who had known about the older brother had never spoken of it so this news was a big shock to the majority of us at the dinner that day. Yeh Yeh was around 16 or 17 years old when his older brother, Wong Gam Lam had been accepted to college. Wong Gam Lam was the promise of a good future for their family and their greatest hopes had been placed on his young shoulders.

The story goes that Wong Gam Lam had already collected his books for college and was waiting for the fall to begin his studies. One day during a friendly soccer game he was accidently kicked in the kidney. He passed away right after the game.

What happened next is almost incomprehensible. Not long after this tragedy took place, the family suffered a financial blow. They went into bankruptcy after losing all the family money when their bank closed down with all their savings in it.  Yeh Yeh’s mother had worried so much that she fell into a deep depression. Approximately six months after the death of her oldest son, she died at the age of 41. Everyone said that she worried herself to death. Yeh Yeh’s father died soon after with intestinal problems. One would wonder if it might have been ulcers. He was only 43 years of age. At the young age of around 17, Wong Gam Shu became the head of his family with the responsibility of 3 younger sisters and one younger brother. Although the Japanese occupation of Hong Kong took place in 1941, there was a 10 year long history of conflict with the Japanese before that with terrifying anti-Japanese riots breaking out in Hong Kong during the period of time that Yeh Yeh became the head of his family. We also heard that he had to take his little sisters to the neighboring Portuguese territory of Macau to keep them safe. Not long after that he was hired by an Uncle and I believe the Uncle also took in the family but the story isn’t very clear. We do know that this uncle liked him very much and trained him to eventually take over the business. This was a problem with the uncle’s two sons but Yeh Yeh managed to stand up to them and claim what he had worked so hard for.

Yeh Yeh was always a risk taker and a bit of a daredevil who decided on what he would do, and then he did it. He had confidence and a moral standard that drove him to build a career with integrity while taking into account the welfare of his employees; the same moral standard would see all of his five children educated in America. His earlier life would make the odds of those accomplishments taking place seem insurmountable. But he was stubborn and very, very positive.

I didn’t always see this side of my father in law. And definitely it was missing from my view when I was a much younger bride. At that time, to me, he was a loud and bossy so-and-so who went to great pains to tell me what to do. He would command in his loud booming voice, “Becky, turn that light off” (when he was sitting nearby). This was not something I took very well. I never argued of course but I wasn’t as obliging as other people were. I usually pretended I didn’t hear. I also didn’t understand his fiercely stoic nature. He had a wonderful laugh but I didn’t understand his stoic side that well. When he was older his favorite two hobbies were horse racing and eating dim sum. He was an expert at both tasks and was quite the perfectionist at getting you the perfect meal at the perfect restaurant.

At lunch one day I really began to understand him a lot better especially with the way he handled tragic events. Or rather what I thought was his ‘not handling’ tragedies or other difficult situations.

My own experience with Yeh Yeh handling a difficult situation involved a sadness that was deeply rooted in his immediate family. My husband was the baby of the family of 3 sons and 3 daughters. What I learned later after we’d been dating a while was that the 2^nd of the 3 boys had fallen while climbing a tree and after entering the hospital they discovered that he had cancer. He had not lived very long after the diagnosis. The family was devastated. This wasn’t a secret but it was something that wasn’t spoken of and I only found out the true cause of his death after several discussions and none of those discussions were with my husband. After we’d been married about 15 years a friend was starting an orphanage in China in a very poor area. My husband and I donated some money to this orphanage and when it was completed they wanted to name a wing of one of the buildings in honor of us. We decided that naming the building after his brother who had passed away as a young boy would be a good way to honor him. Having his own name be part of something that was a refuge for underprivileged children would have made him happy, we thought. So we gave the name ‘Wong Kai Yu’ and later after it was opened we were given a few photos of the building with the name-plate on it. It made us feel so good to have been able to use his name in such a good way.

We got brochures from the orphanage and sent a copy of the photos and a brochure to each of the siblings who were all living in the USA by this time. I personally felt that it was a gift for my mother and father in law in particular though I anticipated that everyone would be moved by the gesture. But when I asked how my father in law had reacted when he received the package I was told that he took out the photos, went through them and simply said, “why bring it up now”. I was quite disappointed with his response at the time and though I never brought it up, I kept a little bit of that disappointment with me for a long time. As my father in law aged he just became more and more of a sweet old man and I recall the last time I saw him was when he was visiting us at our home. He slept most of the time and always in a different room for each nap and I felt that he was almost following me around to sleep where I would be working (or relaxing). I see this as a very endearing thing now that I am older. He also came to me when he was leaving for the airport and said in the most gentle and quiet voice that he appreciated being there and he thanked me so sincerely for taking care of him. It was so touching to me that he would say this to me in such a sweet way as the last words that he would ever say to me.

After the Hero’s Banquet and after all had settled down, my father in law’s ashes were in our home for a while  – facing out to the ocean that he loved, waiting for a final burial spot to become available for him in crowded Hong Kong. During that time I was finally able to see him for who he truly was and I really admired him and the positive way he had lived his life. I also saw things from a completely different perspective as far as honoring the dead. I saw that a young teenaged boy with the weight of the entire world on his shoulders after witnessing his brother die, his mother and then his father all within the space of a year and a half would not be prepared for such devastating realities, so to protect himself and be able to go forward, he never spoke of those things. This seems to have been a stance he took throughout his life to be able to manage the deep hurts. I learned to respect that. Yeh Yeh’s heart was broken numerous times but he rebuilt it in his own quiet way – the same way he honored his loved ones who had passed before him.